Was sitting with Hwee tian in school after dismissal time today, cuz we were both waiting for our CCAs to start.
We were doing the most ridiculous stuff. (LOL) but i'm not gonna tell you what. You'll probably think we're perverts or mentally weird. Haha.
Then we chatted and somehow, she said something that kept ringing in my head.
I was stunned, in a sense.
Like...
. More than
Quite possible.
But it was forbidden love.
Completely impossible.
I know. I'm just gonna get hurt in the end.
at me.
So maybe I do like him. But it is something that I would keep in my heart forever. He'll never know I had feelings for him. Neither would I ever tell him.
Like heck. Is this true love?
I pray not. (or I'll bleed my heart dry.)
I just want everybody to be happy.
Even if it means sacrificing myself? Well... Yeah.
Okay. So since it's gonna be valentine's day, I'll write a couple of lovey-dovey sentences. (Haha.)
And please...
Stay happy. =D
My mum just banned me from playing on the weekdays. I don't know how long it is going to last.
I know it's funny. I sound like I'm writing some sort of final message.
Now she's asking me to go to bed. *looks at the time*
It's 9.23pm.
.....
I don't know.
I have had enough of crying.
These few days I simply keep on crying. Like I'm trying to wash my face with my tears.
Guess what? Maybe i'm already dead.
Frank apologized like mad alrdy. I wasn't angry anymore. But when I spoke to him, it felt like he was some kind of stranger whom I'm acquaintences with.
No more friends. I'm numb.
I dunno if my cousin is reading this...but hell. I'm tired...Been running after him and another couz for god-knows-how long. I've tried so hard. Just to be as good as him. Just to want him to notice me.
He never did.
Plus, he seems to like using this face at me: =.=
Nowadays, I have less dreams about Sasuke...or Hinata and Neji.
Instead, I always have nightmares.
I can't remember what they are, but i remember feeling so uneasy and scared.
My fingers are always frozen nowadays. My hand is cold to the touch.
I'm gonna be working myself till I die. There won't be a way out.
Here I am...thinking. "Crap. Am I gonna die like this?"
The answer is: Hell no. I'll most probably die on my way to school. I'll be walking and I'll suddenly faint from fatigue. Then they'll realise the hell they've put me through. Heck, maybe they won't even notice that I'm gone.
I know that Ning's worried.
I dreamt of Sky that day. I remember crying in her arms. She felt like an older sister and I'm just the brat who would whine and cry.
Still...everytime I remember how she cared, I'll get upset.
So now even Sky's worried.
At this rate, I'll most probably join Sasuke faster than you can say, "Where in the world did shang go?"
Nobody really cares at school.
Even if they did, they can't help me.
It's like...watching someone drown and being unable to help, even if you wanted to.
Nightmares...every. single. night.
Maybe I was watching the same scene over and over again.
Then I would wake up thinking: "Oh my god. What time izzit? Am I late for school?"
Even on sundays that would happen.
Hell. I've been crapping so much, do you even know what I'm talking about?
I'm talking about this:
Monday- School, Choir (reach home: around 7pm)
Tuesday- School, Choir (reach home: around 5plus)
Wednesday- School, Piano (Free when: around 5 to 6plus)
Thursday- School, Choir (reach home: around 7pm)
Friday- School, Music elective program (after travelling far far away, I get to reach home at: 7plus)
Saturday- Maths tuition at 11pm
Okay. Writing it out was easy. Looking at it was more easy.
But living it?
Plus every night you have to rush assignments and stuff.
Can I safely say I'm overworked now?
Lack of sleep, lots of hw and tired from running around.
Who the hell actually HAS such a timetable?
Well...me, actually.
I never really complained OUT FRONT...cuz I felt that many sec 3 students are living the same hell.
But then I realized that it wasn't true...and ppl are having the sickening time of their lives...
I started to scream.
Yup. So loud.
I would curse and swear if I could, but that would simply make me a vulgar person.
Which isn't good.
Anyways. I better sleep now. My mum is being unreasonable.
Who cares? I'm going to die anyways.
My motto now is: KEEP WORKING HARD LIKE THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS PLAY. BE THE MOST HARDWOKING CRAP ANYBODY HAS EVER SEEN. (and die early plx.)
Like yay.
Nice motto.
Gdnite to all. I have officially died and gone mad in the same day.
Friday, January 26, 2007
I denied Sasuke's existence.
Great. Now i'm arguing with Frank over some weird junior he has.
He said i was rude. o.o
RUDE?! (Whatever.)
And somehow, I manage to feel like crap after he said so. We've been like...speaking to each other for god-knows-how long.
Then some pretty junior comes along and...we fall apart like dominos or something. (And I thought we were gd friends.)
He said I chose Sasuke over him as well. Then I said that Sasuke was not real and it doesn't count. He said, "That's worse."
I replied with the most heart-wrenching sentences (to me...not him.)
"I just needed someone to love."
"Plus, Sasuke isn't real."
"So it'll nvr happen between us. (as in sasuke and I)"
And then I realised. It was true. No matter how much I would idolize or like Sasuke, it wouldn't be true. I just needed someone to love.
Yet I denied Sasuke's existence. (and god...that's crappy.)
I hate this. I'm so damn angry at him. I don't care if i need someone to talk to. I'm just gonna sit in the corner and cry now. I'm not gonna bother about him.
So what if I'm mean...? So what if i'm rude...?
.......
He really didn't need to do that.
And now, I'm really upset. I'm just gonna cry at my com.
Now I have no one to love. (Sasuke. I WAN MY SASUKE.)
I have no one to comfort me. (He was mean to me.)
And I feel like crap. Maybe even worse.
I know I sound like some retarded little spoilt brat. But i just need some time-out. I need the time to slow down a little.
..........
It hurts.
So now...I'm just gonna say this: Okay. So I'm mean. I'm hard to get along with. I'm EVERYTHING ppl hate to see in others. I'm a spoilt brat who just likes to whine and cry.
I'm weak.
Does that make him happy? I hope it did. Cuz he violently woke me up from my dream with Sasuke and it feels terrible.
Also, it finally shows that he thought of me as a silly girl from the start. A stupid whiny little girl who would do nothing but disturb him. A good-for-nothing girl who, even when she says, "You've made a big impact in my life.", would never even have a friendship with him that's strong enough to stop him from gawking at some girl who walks past and listen to me say something important.
Guess what? The final thing I wanted to say to him was, "That perverted fatty is constantly looking at me. Like he's gonna eat me up."
But whatever. He won't care.
"Shang is so violent, she can defend herself."
Right.
RIGHT! *SCREAMS*
In fact, I'm so upset now, I don't even care about that sickening fatty.
Just leave me to die. My life is already so useless anyway.
I'm going to audi. My cousin is the only thing i have at this moment.
Even though i know he'll eventually let me fall as well.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Stop crying. Stop running away.
Recently, i've been in a weird state.
My eyes always seem to be cold and lonely, even though there are people with me. My soul seem to be far away. It seemed to be anywhere except the place where I am now. Everything is numb and I'm afraid.
I just wanted to run.
Keep running...further and further away from this reality. I wanted to stop living the hell which I am going through now. Study. CCA. MEP. Study some more. Tuition. Piano.
It's driving me insane and this is only the first week.
Stop it. Stop disturbing me.
Now i understand, how lucky it is to be able to cry. This feeling I have...It numbs me so much that I can't even cry now. It hurts and yet i can't let it go.
*Beep*
A message had appeared on my handphone.
A friend which i smsed earlier had replied me. The amazing words "Are you okay?" was seen on the lit up screen. I think i'm going to go insane. I simply clutched the phone and broke down.
Crap. This is all crap.
Why must everything be like this? Why can't it all go away? I don't need to worry about studies. I don't need to care about the person who i don't even know is hurting me. I don't need to try my best to even look 'normal' with everybody.
Isn't that what a carefree life means?
*Beep* Another message appeared.
One look at the new message, sent me spiralling down into a deeper depth of darkness. Even though that friend was consoling me, I kept hurting. But the more i read, the more i cry. The more everything seems to be normal.
I feel so dead. I can even imagine myself lying on the cold stone ground. The light shining on my pale and tired face. I hear people calling out to me but i don't move.
Out of the sudden, a tear escapes my eye.
Can I rest? I'm so tired.
That's right. I'm going to rest.
I'm just going to close my eyes and shut out the world around me.
No more. I won't take any of this crap anymore.
___________________________________________________________________
A song I made up...in my sorrowful state.
Eternal restListening to the wind beating against the window...
I'm all alone in the room.
Nothing moves, nothing hides...
I've just been left alone.
Lying to myself, i say "It's okay. They'll be here soon."
Yet hours would pass...and nobody came.
Why did the world seem so dark?
Was it my fault?
Who can stop this pain...? The sorrow of the world.
I close my eyes.
I listen for the heartbeat of the cold city.
This is all I can do. Nothing else matters.
In my hand would be a single feather...
A memory of the people whom I once saw.
My tears...my joy...
Everything is gone.
Why did the world seem so dark?
Was it my fault?
Who can stop this pain...? The sorrow of the world.
As sadness pierces my heart once again,
I decide to ignore.
I wanted to be strong, yet everything crushed me.
It was all nothing but a memory.
Now, I lay on the floor. The cold taking over me.
Slowly, I shut my eyes.
I fell into a deep sleep...
and opened my hand to release the memory.
Why did the world seem so dark?
Was it my fault?
Who can stop this pain...? The sorrow of the world.
Slowly...
But surely...
I could feel the eternal rest descending upon me.
This time, the pain would go away.
