Been thinking recently...
Why do people always choose to fall in love with someone whom they knew, would not fall back in love with them? Why must they hurt themselves?
I saw how upset some people can be when the person they loved (or liked) did not feel the same way about them. I watched as they fell into misery...and started to complain about a lot of things. Why that person did not like them...etc.
Are they really going to fulfill such promises? Are you sure such love would last? After all...we're not that mature enough...yet.
I have to say...good guys are always the one who gets hurt the most.
The way they are so devoted to one person...it totally kills their heart if that person does not return their feelings. On the contrary...if a bad guy gets ditched...he would probably heal his broken heart in a matter of seconds and run off with another girl. Such behaviour...is disturbing.
I just realised that no matter who i like...they always aren't the one for me. They're either really bad guys...or simply people who i would never have an ending with.
Sure. We all feel the pain. Especially when you are a rather emotionally-serious kind of person. I had my heart stepped on a couple of times...i cried and that's it. I feel the pain...but i'm not sure if it had hurt more in reality as probably a part of it hurt till it went numb.
"Do you honestly think that by giving away the person whom you like to someone else who YOU assume that would give her more love, she would feel much happier?"
Gah. I lost the motivation to write.
See ya guys next time then.
Alrighty...i've reached the limit.
Keep getting scolded nowadays for "attitude problem". Am i really that bad?
On sunday, when we went to somewhere to climb the hill or something...the treetops walk thingy, we walked like....a damn long distance.....i wanted to die on the hill and never come back. Soooo tired.... Worse still, an old man said he would lead us to the main road...instead, he got us even more LOST. I couldn't believe it. Therefore, we had to walk a couple of extra distances.
Okay....that's where i got mad. I have to admit that my attitude was really bad. Then my mum scolded me. Okay. Sure. Fine. I admit i was really angry. Then i cool off and became much better. Yet, i was tired and didn't want to speak much. Plus i always have this habit of frowning.
When we reached a coffeeshop, (yes. we escaped from that place.) we were supposingly going to have lunch when my mum just purely blew up at me. I was so stunned. You know what she did? She threw (yes. threw.) some money onto the table in front of me and screamed at me to go buy my stuff myself. The way she looked at me was like...i dunno...that feeling still gives me the shivers...
She looked at me like i was just a stranger and she wanted me badly out of her sight.
Of course, being the typical emotional person i am, i almost cried. I replied, "Why are you so fierce towards me?" Like...she was really very "bu shuang" me in a way...She screamed that my attitude was very bad and some other rantings. I didn't think i could take much more and when she stopped, i told her i'm going to buy the drinks and i walked off. (I was pretty sure she needed time to cool off.)
Then i was very much upset for the rest of the journey back home. I mean...I didn't even do anything...I was simply tired and can you actually BLAME me for having a face which automatically frowns whenever i'm not smiling or something? YES. IT WAS TRUE. I admit that my attitude at first was really crappy. But later on, i was simply t.i.r.e.d.
I wasn't giving her attitude!
Sometimes, i feel that we don't understand each other enough. To make things worse, as i grow older, the gap seems to become bigger and wider. Why? Is it because that i'm no longer her little marionette which obeys her every command? Sure...I DO listen to her and do her bidding most of the time. But there are times when i have a different opinion to the matter...and as a parent, she was supposed to listen and judge. But ALSO like a parent, she would look at things from only one point of view.
This is the biggest reason why children and adults don't see eye-to-eye. The children are pure and innocent and think of the world in a certain way which adults can never see as the adults have been through all kind of "torment and training" to completely alter their thinking of the world. THEY were the ones who changed themselves due to all the competition and useless nonsensical stuff.
That's why they don't understand children sometimes...it's because they lost themselves to the darkness. They allowed the world to drastically change them that they have lost the purity and open-mindset which they once had.
I pity them. I pray for them. I bleed from their words.
Putting that aside, today was a crappy day. The Homec teacher scolded me for nothing. It was so...wrong. She thought that i looked sleepy and whatever, then she simply humiliated me in front of almost half the class. The word here is "Humiliated". It means that she downright stepped on me and crushed me like a bug. I admit (once again) that i WAS a little sleepy today. (please remember that it takes two hands to clap and NOTHING is ever one person's fault. In the beginning...that is.)
BUT! During homec, i was COMPLETELY alert. In fact, it was the lesson which i was the most alert in today.
Anyways...god knows how...she suddenly scolded me. Once again, the famous "attitude problem" words were spoken. When i tried explaining to her, she didn't listen and gave more scoldings. Great. So now that whole class thinks that i dozed off in Homec. What a lie.
You see...that's the thing about adults. They don't listen. Ironically, Mr Lim just mentioned to me recently that teachers and students need more communication. It's true. BUT do they ever listen? When the student tries to tell them something, they just shut their brain off or maybe go into hostile mood. Then subsequently, the student would refuse to even TRY to talk to them. Even I would view such conversations which end in scoldings, as pointless.
And THEY blame us for "attitude problem" when we walk away cuz we can't be bothered with such stupid things.
We're all human. We simply HATE being scolded.
I don't know. Somehow i just find adults very pitiful and sad. They have lost to the world and themselves in such a short period of time. I shudder to think that one day, i would be the same as them.
Maybe next time, i would need reminder from my children to keep me awake so that i would not be such a pathetic being.
Anyways....it's all my opinion about them. If they read all these, they would probably be scolding me right now. Sure, i'll listen.
Question is...would they even listen to us later?
I pray VERY hard that i don't become such a sad being. I pray hard for them as well.
So here i go. I'm going to close my eyes and sleep. I hope there's a nice dream tonight.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
I'm upset again(?)
Heys...today has been a long day....
Not gonna say everything which happened. Maybe next time. ^-^
Well...i changed my blogskin. Good luck on reading it ppl. xD the white font is a killer. Maybe i would change it soon...yea.
If...you really feel that you're going crazy reading this blog, please HIGHLIGHT the words to read them. It would be in blue...so there's no excuse that you can't read it. =D
It's someone's birthday today. However, due to some reasons...I didn't wish that person happy b'dae. So....here's the proof that i didn't forget this time. Hahaha....maybe i'm just trying to make myself feel better. I guess the reason why i remembered was because i saved it in my handphone.
I shouldn't even bother in the first place. I mean...after all the crap that person put me through...plus someone else too. It was really mean of that person...
Well. Even though i have already swept that person away from me, i've decided that i should wish that person a happy b'dae. Since that person once wished me happy b'dae and gave me presents.
Happy b'dae then.
There you have it. I feel a little much better. (omg. I'm such a self centered person. Oh hahahahaha. xD)
Alright...have to hand over the com to my brother. See ya ppl later~
AND I LOVE HAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (plus SASUKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes i know. You all love them too. ^-^
Thursday, August 17, 2006
The 53th post.
Wow. Can you believe it? This is the 53th post since i started this bloggie about a year ago.
So many things have happened.
Honestly, i found it hard to believe that i've gone through so much in such a short time.
Suddenly, i have this weird feeling that i miss all my old friends. Plus the fact that i can't bear to leave my new secondary school friends as well. I'm so selfish. I just wanna keep them all to myself. I want them to be there forever.
The thing is...it's not gonna happen lol.
We'll most probably have to walk our seperate ways once more. I've decided to not follow my friends on the subjects they would choose next year. (you know...some girls DO follow their friends cuz they wanna stay together.) Instead, I'm going to pursue my dreams.
A writer...lawyer...singer...SPCA volunteer...Piano teacher...etc...
So many things i wanna do. The most important one is the "writer" option. Therefore English and literature is the "GO!" option to press for me.
That's strange. I had so many things to say just now. Now, i seem to have forgotten them all.
Oh yea. I have to fix my poor poor blogskin.
P.S: My cousin's pic of Vincent Valentine on his msn is realli cool~ I found a skin that's the same pic. (and found myself staring at it for AGES.) but it wasn't...very good. Guess i have to continue searching.
Monday, August 14, 2006
It's time for a new start.
I dunno. I no longer have insane thoughts about killing everybody... I guess that's a gd start. ^^"
A lot of things have happened. We've walked so far... We've found new friends to depend on. We never ever forgot the old ones.
Actually...secondary school was a new start. I finally realise why i was so "cruelly" seperated from my old friends. I suppose that someone up there actually wanted me to be more independent.
I've found ppl whom i liked...and who liked me as well. Though...we were rather young, therefore we hurt each other in the end, but still...I have to admit that the memories were beautiful. Small small things which made us happy...i guess that's more than enough.
To say the truth, i wanna experience the silly-ness of crushing on someone again. It's so cute. XD hahaha...i mean...look at all those typical high school girls...they're having the time of their lives. But then...there's nobody for me to crush on in my sec school. sob....
So sad. Guess i have to wait till someone manages to catch my attention or moving on to JC or poly.
There's someone i always wanted to see. =X i wonder if i would get to see that special friend...
People change so much. Seriously...sometimes it's not a bad thing.
I've decided to believe that there's some good still left in him. =X
So...i pray hard that my judgement in people's character would not be wrong this time.
Hear that? I believe in you!!!!! So don't let me down. I believed in that little boy i saw many years ago. I believe that somehow he's still in there. I wanted so much to be friends with you again....
Okay okay. Too mushy dushy. Stop stop. =X
Time to change to one of my previous blogskins (cuz i can't find a new one.)
plus writing my shaman king story. I would be posting on fanficiton.net, asap i suppose.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Tell me how you really felt
Lalalala~
Haven't been posting frequently. I feel sooooo bad.
Something's stirring in my heart. I feel the pain but i act like i don't care.
Something's gone. I might know the truth yet i refused to acknowledge it.
What's wrong? Have i gone mad?
Am i going to blame it all on her again? Am i supposed to blame her for everything that contributed to a failing friendship?
I have become evil. I wasn't protected, therefore i act like i'm very strong. I was simply trying not to cry. But i've become a shadow of my past. Now, i rather i cried than compared to what i'm doing now.
Truth is, unless i knew you...i wouldn't be able to tolerate the existance of any other females on the earth. I hate them all. I don't understand them all. They all act so....arrogantly in front of me.
Blah. I don't feel like blogging anymore.
I just feel like retreating into my own world...
Where there's only the people i love and who cherish me. I don't need all other people who would hinder me.
That's why i like every single one of my blog readers....cuz i trust them.
Don't ever betray me...It's not a good time to do so.
It was never a good time to do so.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
The dreams we have.
"If only we could turn back time."
"If only i could have loved you more."
"Would we have been happier?"
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Okay. I'm already going crazy. Sasuke ish making me go mad lol. I worship him so much that i can't take it.
*screams* SASUKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sasuke sasuke sasuke sasuke sasuke sasuke sasuke sasuke sasuke sasuke sasuke sasuke sasuke sasuke sasuke sasuke....
My world ish sooo filled with him and Kail lol. Oh yes. Wanna know how did the name Kail came about? Well...one of my previous insane worshipped idol was Kai Hiwatari. (and i'm currently still worshipping him. But sasuke has the biggest shrine in my heart. Apart from Kail that is.) And...i based Kail's name on his. Just added a "l" to it and tada~
A nice name ish born.
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"Sure, we had bad times. But that never stopped me from loving you."
"Did you love me the same way i did with you?"
"Please don't disappear. Don't leave me."
"I don't want to stop dreaming if it meant that i could not see you."
"I just want to stay by your side. Forever...just like this."
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Rather random today, aren't i?
"Love was something created to hurt us. No matter whether we have it or not."
Quite true isn't it? I just thought of it today.
If we have someone to love, it hurts us so bad when things go wrong.
If we have nobody to love, we would feel lonely and it'll hurt us as well.
Therefore, is love actually a good thing? I'm not that sure anymore.
Blah. I have decided that i should include "not a liar" in my requirements for a relationship. My mum was right lol. We should not accept guys who are liars and expect them to change. It's like...waiting for the sky to fall down.
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Edited: I don't want any other people to see all these. xD
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Alright. I better go to bed. Nitey Nitez. Luv ya all.
The maiden sends her blessing to all lonely souls tonight~
Friday, August 04, 2006
freakin craps
I can't stand it. Why must he always be so freakin selfish? LIKE GO GET A LIFE. Stop FREAKIN disturbing me!
"Shang, you play your piano le? Did you play 30mins?" YES I FREAKIN DID AND I'M PROUD OF IT.
BUT NO. HE JUST DOESN'T BELIEVE ME. Then he gets my mum in and she starts screaming all over the place.
I think i have an mental problem. SO DAMN SCARED OF MY MUM. EVERYTIME SHE ASKS ME, "Did you play your piano? Did you play 30mins?" I PANIC LIKE HELL INSIDE EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
I DIDN'T DO IT.....I DIDN'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT'S NOT ALWAYS MY FAULT! Then i'm like so freakin scared inside.
DON'T SCREAM AT ME. DON'T SCREAM AT ME. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. I'm so scared.....so scared.....
and now she's pissed. Just because i freaked out again when she asked me that question.
You don't know what it feels like....to be screamed at so often.....
I know sometimes it's my fault...but other times she misunderstood and doesn't listen to my explainations. Then she yells her head off at me. I DID PLAY IT. I DID. I DIDN'T ANYTHING WRONG. I'M SO SCARED.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. IT'S SO SCARY.
And if i cry, she hates it even more...
All because of small stupid things like using the com and playing piano. And the MAIN CULPRIT is always my brother. ALWAYS.
"SHANG! YOU CHEATED RIGHT? I'M TELLING MUMMY!"
NO I DIDN'T.
"YOU LIAR. I DON'T CARE. I'M GOING TO TELL MUMMY."
NO I DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!
I SWEARED. I DID EVERYTHING. I WASN'T LYING.
STOP SCREAMING AT ME. STOP SCOLDING ME. I'm already trying to be the best daughter i can be. Every single time you look at me that way, i get so freakin scared and my mind blows off and crumbles like dust.
It's always about exams....it's always about computer....it's always about piano.....
WE QUARREL QUARREL QUARREL.
Why can't it stop?
WHY CAN'T IT GO AWAY? I'm already...trying so hard. I think i'm going to go insane like this. I can't stop crying. I can't stop shaking with fear. I can't stop retreating into my own world.
I can't do anything about it.
But i get....the "best" wasn't good enough for you.
I'm such a failure. I'm stupid. I'm lousy. I'm lazy. I'm EVERYTHING which the other girl's aren't. I'm not pretty. I'm not cute. I'm NOT who you wanted me to be.
I'm should just go and die. I hate myself. I don't wanna live in fear anymore. I don't wanna run away anymore. I've been running for so long. I'm so scared.
I can't escape anything.
I'm a failure as a human being. I'm useless.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Short post.
Hm. Nothing much to say today actually. Plus it's very late...*stares at the clock*
11:23pm. Crap lol. I better go soon.
Anyways~ Changed blogskin and song. Also, i realised i can't come out with a good plot for Neji and Hinata. Therefore it would be on a standstill for a while and maybe i'll think about writing a sasuke one.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
My story...
Here's a story for all to read and think about...Since i have not been blogging. Anyways...i'm still searching for the perfect skin. Apparently...ppl are getting lazy nowadays~
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This is a story of a little girl.
Once upon a time, there lived a little girl who was born in a time which made her the most loved person in her family. Everybody loved her...and she wanted everybody to love her in that way till forever.
However, as she grew, she started to change in size and looks. Definitely, she wasn't adorable and cute anymore. Sad and depressed, she wondered to herself. "Oh how...how i wish that everything could go back to what it was...How can i make them love me again?" She seeked a way out. She wanted to feel loved again...and not forgotten. For you see, this little girl had too much attention. So much so that she had became used to being the center of attention. Without them, she felt so uneasy and upset.
Then she got an idea.
Putting on a beautiful mask and perfect behaviour, she dressed herself in perfection. She was once again cute and adorable. Yet what's lost has been lost. Her relatives and family would never see her in the same light again. But this time, it was her friends who accepted her into their lives.
But wait. What happened before she met them?
Apparently, her heart was being hurt by some mean girls at the school which she studied. They were stuck up just because they were smart. They treated her badly. Crying, she ran home...with nobody to cry to. There was no shoulder. There was no comforting words. Just plain silence which slowly made her heart more painful. Like they say..."If you fall down, you must learn to stand again." So that was what the little girl did. She tried to smile and forget everything that those evil girls had done to her. She had moved on.
When she was nine years old, the little girl met some friends. Smiling, she embraced them into her life. To the poor little girl who has been trying so hard for so long...those friends were everything. She loved them like she never did with other people. Yet sometimes she would seem to be very selfish and self centered to them. It was because of the way she had suffered. She never really told them about how she felt either.
Life has many unexpected things. One day, one of her friends betrayed her.
She was humiliated in front of the whole class and was left alone. Once again, the little girl could not do anything but cry. "Cry...cry...cry. It's the only thing i'm good at." She said exasperately. Then she saw the dark angel rise from her. She would not take this lying down. She will get back at the girl who hurt her. Using everything she's got, she managed to turn the whole class against that lone girl. That sight of her friend crying was satisfying...but also heartbreaking. She knew it was wrong.
She had sinned.
Forgive me...Forgive me...Those were the words she kept repeating to herself. In her haste, she had taken off her mask of perfection and showed the world her true face. Luckily, that friend forgave her and they moved on.
Years went past...She had found the best friends anybody could have. She was so happy. Finally...finally she was saved. She gave them each a rose and they held it close to their hearts.
She smiled.
The day of parting came when she was twelve years old. They all had to go their seperate ways. Sadly, they told her, "We're sorry. We have to leave. We can't be there for you till the end." Once again in tears and desperate...she tried to hold on to them. Yet, as they vanished, all that was left from each of them was a single rose.
Sitting down on the floor, she stared blankly at the roses. Water started to fall on them...she didn't know if it was her tears or the rain.
Out of the mist, came someone. It was a girl. She stared up at the girl. "Who...are you?" She asked. "My name is Sky. Or you can call me Ning." The silent-looking figure replied. "Why have you come?" The little girl asked...hoping to hear the words she wanted to hear. "I'm...not too sure as well." Then there was awkward silence.
Slowly, the little girl giggled. It was the first time she smiled in ages. Sky smiled as well. Yet the look on her face was a compassionate and kind one. True...the little girl sensed that Sky had some darkness in her that would sometimes grow bigger and threatening. But it didn't matter. That darkness....was the thing that made them connected and the same. At least...that's what she figured. Which was rather amazing, since she's usually very slow.
At that point of time, Sky was the only one who understood her. Her once injured heart was healing again. Looking at the bunch of roses in her room, the little girl decided to give Sky one. Just like she did with her previous friends.
But she was scared. Would Sky give her back the rose...just like her previous friends?
Holding out the rose, the little girl uttered a few words. "Here. I want you to have this." Sky looked slowly at the rose. She took it and felt the soft petals which shimmered in the light due to the dews. Then she shook her head.
"You...don't like it?" The little girl gave her a pleading look.
"No." Sky replied. "It's very nice. But you have already given me the best thing anybody could offer." She nodded happily.
"The best...thing?" The little girl was puzzled.
"Yes." Sky put her hand to her heart. "It's your friendship. The one thing which everybody has...and can reach into the deepest depths of the heart."
"Friend...ship?" The little girl tried to understand the words that were given to her. A bright light consumed them and she finally saw the light.
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Okies. That's the end of the first part of the story. Still got many more friends to introduce~
And yes. Sky ish Ning~ The little girl ish me. (yes i know. So zi lian right?) The other friends mentioned above shall not be identified. It's too mean~ Tomorrow i'll write about Geelyn and Joan...and...*continues rambling a long list of ppl*
Kayz. Baibai~
