fallen angel........=The story of eternal love=

Tuesday, September 26, 2006 Why don't we believe in others?

Currently speaking to wrathie now. He's currently going through some stress.

Poor guy....But he's too obsessed with anime. When i said 'obsessed', I mean....REALLY REALLY OBSESSED with it.

I sometimes look at my computer screen and realise that "Heck. This guy just chats with me and that's it. I'm not really appreciated." And then i get all upset and stuff.

I'm not appreciated.

I feel that...though i tell him that i'm worried for his studies...(as a friend) he doesn't seem to give a damn. To make it worse he told me that I'm pushing his limits.

Like the heck?

Here I am...trying to cheer him up and make him freakin work harder for god's sake. Then he makes it seem like i'm doing something stupid. Everytime i speak to him, i feel like i'm straining myself to stay happy in front of someone who always seems to be annoyed with me.

What the hell am I actually doing?

I feel so crappy now. Probably, he would think i have some kind of emotional issue. The thing is...recently i've been straining myself so much, i think i might break. I've been trying to make everybody happy that i've not realised that I, myself is breaking under the pressure.

I only smile to show others I'm supposed to be happy.

But hey, I'm human too...Does it hurt that much to try to make me feel better sometimes? Does it hurt to just show that you care? I'm already way past the period where we always say "why am I always the one who does the effort? why can't others try as well?". I know it takes two hands to clap. If i don't try, who would give a damn to try?

I just wanna bend down, curl into a ball and cry my eyes out.

*cries*

I've tried. I keep on trying.

But somehow, I'm the only one left alone in the end. Sure, others are happy...but i keep on straining myself. I kept believing that one day, someone would understand that there was a little girl who was watching from the side. She was watching them laugh, play and have fun. She contributed her share of happiness....but because of that, she keeps straining herself to smile in front of others.

Do they know she's tired? Do they even give a damn about her in the first place...?

Why did she exist? At first, I thought that i existed to "make a difference in other people's lives". That's why...I always wanted the people around me to be happy.

Yet now, I'm just tired. I can't go on...I really can't.

I need someone to lean on. Yet i don't dare to bother anybody...

I used to be really much more sad than this. But a lot of people pulled me up and ran with me.

They told me, "Don't stop running...or you'll fall again."

I've tried my best to run. Yet i've slowed down and stopped. I need someone to pull me along once again. Yet this time....where is everybody....?

I still remember....one of the NAFA test....Ning was the one who pushed me a little from behind. She didn't care about her timing. She kept saying, "Come on! You can do it! The ending is right in fron already!" I wanted for her to leave me there and go....but she didn't. In the end, we really made it.

I remember how grateful i was to her. I remember how much i wanted to cry while looking at her.

Then we laughed. We simply stood down there, bending over and laughing.

Some little things....meant a lot to people even though they don't seem like it. The things you do...would eventually change someone's life. They would learn a lot from you.

The little girl still stands there till now.
Although nobody has shown her appreciation recently, she doesn't mind.
She wipes away her tears and bravely looks forward to the future.
She knows, that in the near future, someone would finally turn back and look at her.

Somehow...one day...
She knows that her dreams would come true.
When i asked her, "Don't you feel lonely?"
She smiled and replied. "Sometimes...But i know that they somehow care. Though i may crumble from the pressure sometimes, I can pick myself up soon."
Puzzled, I asked her why.
That was when she gave me the most important answer.

"Because sometimes, I feel like the happiest girl in the world."

# posted by FinalFantasyX at 9:42 PM

Friday, September 22, 2006 In school~

Alright. I have to admit that this blogskin is starting to work for me a little...

Now in school. Typing non-stop away at my blog once again.

I was offered to write a combined story with wrathie. Sounds interesting...? Yea. Kinda. The thing is...I'm supposed to think about a storyline and so far, i have absolutely NO CLUE about what to write. Sure...it's a fantasy and all....but we NEED to have a good plot. Otherwise the story would fall through. I hope i can do this...i don't wanna disappoint both xeph and wrathie.

Recently i've been more optimistic...I have to say. Haha....I've been much more of a "kai xin guo" (you know...happy fruit or sumthing. >.>") I simply love it when people smile for me. It's much more heart warming than when they treat you coldly.

Yinghui is also a nice little "kai xin guo". In fact, she's really sweet.

I've realised that sometimes...my friends don't really treasure my existance. So I try really hard...to remind them that I'm (after all..) human and i would need people to give me some care and concern at least. Of course, I don't walk up to them and say, "Hey. Treasure me hor!" Instead, I do simple little things that show that I know they're my friends and i care for them.

Sometimes, things get too tiring or heavy. Usually, all you need right then is for your friend to realise how hard you've been working to maintain your relationship and probably do something nice for you. Like smile...or say "thanks for everything..." or whatever they use to make you feel happy.

I'm not there for anyone forever. You shouldn't take other people for granted you know... One day, they'll vanish. I know that. I used to rely on my primary school friends so much. No matter how much they hurt me or made me laugh, they'll always be so important to me. When they left, imagine how scared and alone i was. All in a new school. All by myself. Geel and P were in the other classes...

I mean it when i say i care for people. I don't practice any form or hypocritsy. (is that how you spell it?) I don't backstab people for stupid reasons like other people. I choose to trust people. I choose to understand people.

I choose to believe in them.

Some people say i'm gullible. But oh well, if you're not gullible, how can you be the clear mind for someone else when they need it? It's a little silly...but i suppose it's worth it.

Um...I dunno what to write now lol. Anways, ending statement is that....we should always treasure what's around us before it's too late. I've lost many people before. Though i totally regret everything, there's nothing more i can do.

Is it too much to ask to be loved?

# posted by FinalFantasyX at 10:53 AM

Wednesday, September 20, 2006 My eyes hurt.

I'm now posting lol. I can't believe i'm using this blogskin. But yea...i've recently not cared about my blogskins a lot.

Things that are running through my head now:
1. I worship Sasuke and love him lots.
2. I worship Kai and love him lots.
3. I worship Hao and love him lots.
4. My eyes hurt.
5. When can i stop staring at the com...?
6. Xeph and Wrathie are very very uber nice people. ^-^
7. I. can't. take. this. anymore.
8. Sheesh. I forgot to take my medicine.
9. Uh oh. That can't be good.
10.*rushes off to take medicine*
11. I'm so tired. Eyes. Popping.
12. NOBODY IS TAGGING!!!! NUUUUUU!
13. The lack of tagging at my blog makes me wanna show my whole class my blog. Which I would not do so no matter what.
14. Howl's moving castle rocks. (Whether movie or storybook.)
15. For once...I wanna go out and catch a movie with friends after the exams...but for now, i'm stressed.
16. Oh yea. Streaming thingy. Not good.
17. I love Kail as well. KAAAAIL~
18. Psh. Off i go.

This is an extremely short post lol. But oh wellz. Btw..."love" as in literally love.

Kayz. See ya ppl~

# posted by FinalFantasyX at 9:14 PM

Wednesday, September 13, 2006 Randomness.

Oops. I forgot to take my medication today again. :grins:

INSANITY!!!!!!!

Currently...i'm at school. Enjoying a free period in the com lab. Oh ho ho ho.

"Lucky~!" as Naruto would have put it.

Everybody is sick except me. I have a bad feeling. It's like the flu season here......man.

Gawd. Read a ~~weird~~ fic yesterday. Hahahaha....So funny. I never knew Itachi was so "hawt" and Sasuke was so perverted. xDDDDD

It was really so darn comical. Too bad it's Yaoi. The plot wasn't that bad at all...

Today's stress level is somehow going down. Cuz our chemistry teacher postponed the test! Yay for us! But today must study like mad. Need study geog and chem...

Psh.

I have decided that guys who need girls to WAIT and give way to them, are really useless.

I won't ever like a guy who is rude to me. (or doesn't respect my wishes.)

"He can go fly kite."

Hahahahaha.

Boredom.

Shall go read a fic. See ya guys laterz~

# posted by FinalFantasyX at 11:20 AM

Sunday, September 10, 2006 Back to life...

Whew. It's been long since i've last posted.

So many things have happened as usual.

Okay...so let's start on something which was a few days ago and i've learnt a life lesson.
__________________________________________________________________

*Rewind back to Friday, 08 Sept 2006*

Today i had to go for choir. Nothing really special though. Just that i ALMOST DIED FROM LOSS OF OXYGEN. Well...don't ask me why. I don't know either. =
So there i was....giddy like crazy. I almost thought i was going to faint halfway going back home.

I couldn't breathe. Plus i was giddy.

Thank god though, my teacher smsed me in the morning that he was feeling unwell. So i needn't travel FAR FAR AWAY to the tuition center. I wanted to get some rest at home before my piano lesson starts...so i tried to get home quickly.

Just as i neared the MRT entrance at lot 1, a donation-collector-person stopped me.

However, don't think of it as a kind uncle or auntie. It was some teenage guy around 15 to 18 years old. He was wearing a gray stripped T-shirt and (oh hell.) actually left his t-shirt unbuttoned to the TOP third button. (For all those who cannot imagine, it means that you can practically see his whole chest.)

Ewwwwwwww............

Plus he was extremely ugly beyond reason. I can't describe how disgusted i was. The only reason i am describing him so badly is cuz he really looked like a gangster and the following event which happened. He also had crooked and yellow teeth.

*Chat version of the event*

(Okay....so i was being stopped by him right?)

Scary guy: Excuse me, could i have a moment to talk to you about this donation??
Me: Uh...no...sorry...i've got to...

*then he cuts me off*

Scary guy: Please take a look at this.....*blah blah blah. Some other thing which i was too afraid to be concentrating on*
Me: Uh...no...i...... (I was shaking and shivering by now.)

*Then the scary guy asked some questions*

Me: I'm sorry...but i...really got to...I mean...no..... (I've started to stutter and mutter to self)
Scary guy: (In a harsh tone) EXCUSE ME! I'M ASKING YOU A QUESTION!
*I was totally taken aback and apologized (for what...? I wonder.)*
Me: I'm sorry...could you repeat the question again....?
Scary guy: I'm asking you whether you would think that $10 is a lot...?
Me: Um...yea. It's a lot...

*his tone became much more harsh, as if he was PRESSURING me to donate*

Me: No...I'm sorry...I can't....I've gotta go...
Scary guy: Even if it's $5 or $2, donate a little.
Me: I'm sorry...I....um....I....(my head was feeling dizzy and burning again. I thought i was going to faint.)
Scary guy: WHY ARE YOU MUTTERING TO YOURSELF?
Me: I....uh....I'm really sorry....I...

*for a few mins, i was stuttering, muttering and shivering in fear*

Then i supposed that he gave up. So i quickly slipped away on the right.

Thank god. I thought that i was gonna die.

When i got home, I closed myself in the studyroom behind my brother (he was playing com) and started crying.

I realli cried like hell. Yet there was nobody to comfort me. (except my brother maybe..but he said only a little.)

Usually, i would be freaked out by donation-collectors...but now i'm extremely TERRIFIED of them. That guy was really a crappy person. Like a gangster or loan shark trying to extort money. It's really horrible.

*sigh*

Sometimes i've realised that people don't give a damn whether you're alive or dead.

When i was stopped by that guy, I was so terrified that i looked at those choir-mates of mine (we don't realli know each other...but we're still in the choir) with pleading eyes. I remember thinking, "Please save me."

They saw. Yet they didn't care. They showed signs of cowardice. Then they walked away.

I don't know...maybe it really wasn't their problem. So i can't blame them.

But i can't forget the way they looked back at me with cowardice and ignorance.

I can't get it out of my head.

No matter how hard i would pray for someone to save me, nobody would care.

Though i may be a coward, but i WOULD actually help another girl who's having the same problem as me. Cuz i know how it feels....

My mum said that it's a life lesson for me. Next time i see this kind of people, i can simply say no and walk away or ignore them. If they try something funny, i can scream for help.

*gives a cold laugh*

Ever thought that our country is such a dirty corrupted place that everybody is black hearted?

I always wonder....if i really found my voice to scream, would someone actually come help me?

Or would they ignore the screams and walk away?

I don't know. It's possible that they would.

The new generation is so dirty. So disgusting.

There are a lot of people out there who deserve to die. Yet good people are the ones who suffer.

I never knew that the world was such a disgusting place till recently.

Even min, had a problem with some extremely disgusting girls who deserve to die, recently.

I hate all this.

I hate this world.
___________________________________________________________________

Alright. i've posted the "supposingly-friday's" post. No time now. I better go! ><

It's late.

See ya ppl~

# posted by FinalFantasyX at 10:48 PM

Tuesday, September 05, 2006 My life is getting blurry once again.

Listening to gundam seed's music now.

This isn't good. I'm completely in LOVE with the music.

Plus the fact that i can't find a proper host for the music i want...

I think i might go mad.

Omgawd. Kira and Athrun ish teh hawt.

Wonder why i didn't mention Shinn? Well...he's hawt....definately...but the last time i saw him, (on youtube that is...) he STABBED a freakin big fat sword into the 'Freedom' (which is Kira's mobile) and though i know Kira didn't die in the end...i still freakin detest Shinn for that stupid movement. Still...as long as Kira is still alive, i don't really care~

Maybe i shouldn't blame Shinn for that stupid movement. After all...even though i didn't watch the show, i knew enough to know that Kira sorta (i think.) killed Shinn's lover or some sort. That girl called Stella or something.

Well...staring at her pic made me think: "Man. At least she's prettier than Cagali. Not that i'm complaining or anything...Since i think Athrun likes Cagali..."

Her hair looks soft.

Anyways. Back to the point. Well...Kira killed her (i think.) and Shinn was pissed. That's why he went after Kira to kill him too.

So sad. Such is the result of war.
___________________________________________________________________

Haix.

Can't think of a good story plot.

So angry at myself.

I think i'm going to have a fever. (i can feel the heat in my head.)
___________________________________________________________________

Hm....been thinking so much lately...i think my head's gonna burst.

Why can't real life be like a fantasy? It would have been great.

At least i get to live my life with adventures or romance.

Instead, i'm stuck with this...stupid...pathetic reason for a life.

My face is burning. My head is hurting.

Something's wrong.

I just don't know what.

I think i saw someone crying. I don't know if it's Sakura, Freya....or me.

Something's wrong with me.

I'm in so much pain now. Great.

What's....going on?

# posted by FinalFantasyX at 9:42 PM

Sunday, September 03, 2006 Updating...

Psh. I was told to update. So i will. Haha...

That's nothing really much to say. Cept that i have an extreme obssession with that Naruto game thingy nowadays. (YESH. I'M UNLOCKING THE FOURTH HOKAGE!! MUAHAAHAHA.) Plus i wanted to buy more comics. (and read them.)

By the way...I'm now currently listening to a lot of music~

*nods nods nods*

It's so nice.

Am i gullible? I'm not sure...But it's kinda confirmed le....

Let's see...some ppl said that i'm realli gullible: Kiat Ni, Ning, Ning's brother (a.k.a Wrathie) and some others whom i forgot to mention.

Brrrr....they like to tease me. ;_;

Alright...shall continue my naruto conquest! (I don't wanna go choir tomorrow.)

So sad. So angry.

Shall KILL THE SCHOOL AND MISS LEE. I hate you. (times infinity.)

Stupid stupid stupid ppl.

Waste my life. Haix.

# posted by FinalFantasyX at 9:04 AM