fallen angel........=The story of eternal love=

Wednesday, February 22, 2006 Why must life hurt me so?

I just got banned from playing the com....for two weeks. Reason? Cuz my mum THOUGHT that I didn't study for maths...that's so unfair...I DID. I swear. I DID.

Today was a busy day. I went to school with only half the history information crammed in my head. Haha....it was scary. (this tells you that you HAVE to study for exams.) Then at recess..I had to give the letter to my form teacher. (for pemission to leave the school early.) I couldnt' find him cuz he was on MC. I was like..."Not. Good." and ran around everywhere to find the co- form teacher. Then I found him in the art room, he brought me to the general office to fill up a form thingy. I did as told..then went to study my history. In the end, there wasn't enough time to cram everything. I went in with three quarter of the info. It went well though.

At least..I think so.

Then I had to rush off...but I was once again told that I needed some signatures for the form..my mum's and the principal's. I was once again in shock. IT IS ONLY LEAVING THE SCHOOL EARLY FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!! Then i managed to find the principal via my favourite teacher, Miss Alice Lim. Yay...so only left my mum to sign. She came after a while, and we handed the completed form to the guard. By then...we were running late. Then I realised that I forgot to bring my EXAM PIANO BOOK.

OMG. OMG. OMG.

I can't believe it!!! (and we were running late!) My mum almost skinned me.(plus she was very pissed then) We went back and thankfully, got the book and got there in time. My head was cramping and it was spinning. I was so exhausted both mentally and physically. Then we got to Novena Square, found the place, and reported in time. Whew...then I tried to relax a little. A malay girl who was younger than me went into the examination room first. Then it was my turn.

Once again, Oh...my....gawd.

Of course, the examiner was a british guy. He was extremely friendly. It was fantastic. Also...the piano never seemed more beautiful in my life. Even though it was just an ordinary piano, it had this feeling that gave me the impression that something amazing was about to happen the moment I played it. Everything went so fast. My best parts were scales and aural test. The three prepared songs were okay....the side reading was terrible. Eeek...I freaked out during side reading...

Last night I quarrelled with a friend of mine. We went both so pissed. He told me that he hated me and stuff. Then we scold here scold there. In the end I said lots of things that i didn't meant. Well...this was one of the times I cried. Of so many things, I couldn't stand my friends saying that they hated me or any other hurtful stuff. Haiz....I guess...I'm really not a gd person...

Oh..it's late. I better go...mum is gonna scold. See ya and luv ya guys!

# posted by FinalFantasyX at 6:40 AM

Tuesday, February 21, 2006 Common tests

Yup. Common tests are here. My science and english today went quite well. But I dun think my science can get full marks liao. Darn.

Oh...and recently, we discovered how talented the boys in our class are. Well...maybe not recently. But they're realli gd. I'm like...a little afraid my ranking in class will go down. lol...but gd luck to everybody. Also, I've discovered that the boys in class treat me very nicely.... Dunno if they're afraid or something. Haiz.... they speak to me very politely lor... haha...not that it's bad..but it seems so unnatural of them. It's okay though..so far.

I nid to study more...and finish my darn maths. I'm slacking......damn damn damn.

I've been worried bout a friend lately. She seems like the pain has numbed her and brought her to a standstill. If she has gd and bad personalities like me...then her gd side has fallen temporary. I'm so sad...cuz i've been hearing some things that are unpleasant to hear. She's quite a kind person last time. But it has all changed now. I'm terrified she already lost herself to the darkness. I'm terrified that it's too late. Please don't change. You know that we all love you the way you are last time. It was enough. Don't lose please...Cuz we're here.
(P.s If you know who it is...plz dun say it out. I know it sounds stupid..but I dun wan ppl to know who is going through all this. Take it as privacy. Or then again...everybody can ponder about what I said. And ask yourself whether you have changed in a wrong way.)

"I won't forget you ever. I'll wait if it's the case." Yeah...right.

As they say...everything which has a beginning...most likely has an end. So if a guy ever says this to you...don't melt immediately...think about it. What will happen if he waits? Then when you finally get into relationships and you don't like him but someone else. How hurt is he going to be? I don't think relationships should be based on pity. Don't let pity for anybody rule over your feelings. At least...that's what I think. So guys...these words won't work on me. Haha..cruel as it may seem, It's the only way to prevent both parties from being hurt BADLY.(being hurt is inevitable. But being hurt BADLY can be avoided.)

Some of my friends say that some guys in the class like me. Like....wow? More like they like my friend...haha... cuz she's more outgoing..so i'm not surprised. I'm sooo quiet...maybe they see me as soft, demure, silent and elegant. (or something liddat.) Am I praising myself? EEk...now THAT'S scary.

I stil can't forget those words one of my classmates from before said. I only told him that I liked animation. Then he called me "despo". (As in desperate for boys or something) I got hurt by the first word already. But I tried to shake it off..and I said. "Liddat then called despo arh? Then you've never seen those real desperate ones." He totally gave this shocked emotioncon and replied, "I refused to believe it at first. But your school realli changed you." Of course, he meant it in a BAD way. I got so hurt, I didn't have the mood to do anything else. I didn't cry though. Nowadays I find it hard to cry. Even if I realli want to...I can't cry anymore. It's like...my tears are stuck temporary.

I miss playing with p, min, dan, joan, ning, geel...and everybody else. We were all so close. But now everybody is engulfed in their own world. Too busy for each other anymore. Sometimes me too..have too little time for them. For that, I'm ashamed.

SHAMED SHAMED SHAMED SHAMED. (now should I cry and fall into despair? Maybe..maybe not.)

Okay...fine. I admit I have a crush in my secondary school. But it's pure infactuation. I know that. I dun like him anymore....you know the reason why I liked him in the first place? Cuz of the aura thingy again and also cuz I met him since I was young. He played with me...and I guess we were friends for a few hours. But I had to go home..and I never saw him again. Until in secondary school. Shocking huh? I knew he looked familiar. Hahaha....I hate my infactuations. It's irritating. Nowadays I see him more...but it's pointless. Cuz when we pass...i'll feel nothing..and also my face will be emotionless. Haha....The crushing is off. No more feelings..no nothing.

Just study study study.

Hahaha...they always say.."Women are nothing but trouble". Well guess wad? So are guys! They make girls go all fuzzy and wobbly just like how girls get guys all fuzzy and wobbly. It's pointless for now really. But everyone needs security...so we can't blame anybody...

CRAP. I've talked too much. It's late. I better go study and do maths. I MUST GET INTO TRIPLE SCIENCE. Otherwise..i might sink into the REAL depression. (nah...jk. I love myself too much.)

Oh ya...here's a funny thing. One of the previous days...I dreamt of a guy in the animation. FUNNY. I never dreamt animation ppl before...or did i? Anyways...the stupid part was when I wanted to tell him that I liked him...he shushed me. And told me that he was gay and he feels that I shouldn't like him anymore. Like...wad the hell? HAHAHHAHA....I was totally blur when I woke up. What a weird dream. Gay? lol...it really seemed so anti climax. Hahaha......

I better go take dinner. See ya!

# posted by FinalFantasyX at 3:06 AM

Thursday, February 16, 2006 Life is like a dream

nothing much happened today. Oh ya....still haven't found my history ring file. If u dunno wad happened, it's just that my history file was stolen. The culprit took the file and then scattered my worksheet all over outside the library. Thank god my history teacher stumbled upon it and returned it to me. Haiz...scare me so much.

Oh...and who is stonefish? hahaz...I dunno...if u read this plz reply...it doesn't hurt to tell me who u are...I think.

I'm drowning in homework and revision. My maths really sux. haiz...

Nothing to say now...so shall go off. Tomorrow ba.

# posted by FinalFantasyX at 5:54 AM

Wednesday, February 15, 2006 How does it feel to be loved?

This year's valentine's was the worst. I detest valentine's day...it gets me all sad and emotional...haiz...

Pft. So my friend is the better liked person among us...not surprising. I'm so quiet and weird. (should I laugh or cry?) haha. (okay. I laughed.) This year they gave out real roses...so nice. Wish someone got it for me. I was so upset. When daniel(my couz) decided that he could share some of his valentine's day stuffs with me, I kinda cried.

Yup. I did. So emotional right?

I just couldn't believe it. He's really back. Hahahaha...now all my cousins are with me once again. When we're together, I always feel this warm feeling that engulfs us and make me feel so safe, happy and secure.(as in everybody.) No more worrying about girlfriends...boyfriends...studies.. Just all of us together. It's beautiful.

I love my family and cousins too much...seriously.

This is the love I experienced so far. It's pretty much amazing. I hope the next time there would be a better one. Oh...and my friends too! I miss all my primary school friends and I care a lot for my secondary school friends too. They're the best.(even some of those silly guys in my class.) I won't ever forget anybody. I promise.

I know someone is hurting out there. Because I was the one who hurt that person. I felt really bad. But it was that person's character that started off the whole thing. I hope that person is not crying or anything. Cuz I think it'll hurt me too. Cuz...we're friends...right? Once a friend...always a friend. Hahaha...maybe.

oh ya...someone told me my singing quite okay. Does that mean I got potential to be a singer? yay! At last.....a chance at the dream. but I cannot go too high pitched. it's terrible.

ooh..I better go...later my mum skin me. lol. late liao late liao. Must go sleep.

See ya!

# posted by FinalFantasyX at 6:37 AM

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 Being stressful is not a gd thing..

Okay...didn't blog for soooo long already...well..here are the updates on my life so far:

1. I might be transferring to SCGS...I'm not sure...but I pray I can leave my school.
2. I officially detest the boys in my class who keep saying the "F" word just to be popular and cool. It's irritating.
3. My chinese teacher is baised against me. I don't like her lessons either...
4. My maths is falling into ruins and now is currently my worst subject. (yes..can u believe it?! MATHS of ALL things?! Even behind chinese?!)
5. Someone lied to me again. Dunno whether I should hate that person forever or give the person a 100th "second chance" to repeat the mistake again.
6. Esther is officially not a gd person. She blew the second chance I gave her as it turns out that my friends were right. She was just using me and my chinese-lesson-from-other-class friend because she doesn't have any more friends except one.
7. I'm going to a primary school to teach the primary school students on either maths or english. (for CIP hours...no salary..xD if that was what you were thinking.)

Basically that's all...(until I can think of more.) Oh ya...on Sunday..last week..I went to my aunt's house for steamboat. On the way there, my dad and I quarrelled. I think I must have triggered him because I insulted his secondary school. (which happenes to be my secondary school now.) He got all ragey and angry with me...then he yelled at me. Of course, being the sensitive, spineless, weakling that I am, I just let the tears flow out of my eyes. Flow Flow Flow...it couldn't stop. But no matter what, I did my best to not let my dad see. (he's those kind of ppl who hates to see ppl cry...like cannot stand it.) As we went into the lift, I finally broke down. Then my dad was wondering why. (he's too realistic. sometimes he can hurt other ppl's feelings without knowing. But he's still a great dad.) I was forced to stand outside in the corridor until i stopped crying...cuz it's new year..and my mum did not want ppl to see me crying..it destroys the mood. I felt so terrible. Many thoughts went through my mind.

Here they are:
- I am an inferior girl. I'm nasty, evil and not who I appear to be.
- My studies sucked. I could have gotten 250+ but I didn't work hard. All my friends got to better schools than me. Once again, I'm inferior.
- I can't compare to my cousin on my father's side of the family. She's in a gd school, she knows how to compose music, her piano grade lvl is damn high....etc etc. Basically, she's the pride of her father but he doesn't say it out.
- I can't compare to my cousin on my mother's side of the family as well. She is rich, pampered, pretty, her grades are damn high...etc etc. The most scary thing is....because she's the only child, so her mentality is very mature and she knows how to act on what occasion. Which is why the adults simply loved her. Just like how I was appreciated at first. (until..I became inferior.)
- I'm not pretty. Not smart either. I'm so blur...some ppl say i'm cute. But it's the definition of "cute = ugly but adorable". Should be...
- Someone once said I was desperate. When I told that person, "Liddat then called desperate arh? Then you have not seen the real desperate ppl." he totally was "shocked" and replied. "I couldn't believe it at first. But bukit panjang gov has realli changed you." That sentence struck into my heart like a knife. Worst of all...I couldn't pull it out.

Is it true? Am I a failure? Am I inferior?

People always tell us...."It's okay. Just be yourself. It's enough." Then they'll flash that reassuring smile that tells us that everything is going to be okay. But it's not. Only for them is it okay. Some ppl are just hypocrites. They don't understand the pain some of us are going through. I cried...and I knew. By being myself...by letting my emotions run wild and crazy...It's a road to self destruction.

Who is my true self?

Recently I had weird dreams again. I dreamt that I was Sakura. I saw the world through her eyes. It was amazing. Although she leads a happy life at first...but then later problems started to pop up. Sakura was calm all the way. (except when her friends and loved ones were in harm's way.) She knew what to do and how to succeed in doing so. I couldn't believe it. Me..? Sakura...? Is she me after all? or was it just my fantasizing that did the work again?

I don't know.

Oh ya...plus I realised that the person who would love me in future...well..if he's the one for me...I hope that he can save me from my own prison. I hope that he would give me a safe and secure feeling...that I wouldn't be left by myself in pain ever again. It's a lot to ask..I know..xD but it's mainly what I want. Oh ya...he cannot lie to me also. Once he keep something from me or lie to me...then it's over. Kekekeke...

I came across a picture of a girl being hugged by sumone from behind one day. I almost fell off my chair. She looked really like sakura! but more in a high school form...(for your information...Sakura and Kail are both 19.) kekeke...I wanted to show it to u guys...but the uploading thingy was slow...and I have to go to bed soon...so I guess i'll show over the msn. Just tell me when u wan see...then I change to that picture...

Okay...that's all for today...I nid go sleep! See ya ppl!

# posted by FinalFantasyX at 6:40 AM