The pain of that person leaving you...burning over and over again through your heart.
The pain...of that person rejecting you.
You're not being loved.
I've realised that...when I tried to write a love story, I'm totally lost as to what to write.
I keep thinking..."What must the main character say to the person she likes?" or how they would proceed......
But i don't know what love is.
Some ppl can claim that they know what love is...just because they had tons and dozens of boyfriends and girlfriends. But I don't really care. They all look the same to me...
All lonely...helpless...and sad.
And how....can all those ppl who have been hurt by the other party, actually be able to remain as friends with them?
This world is weird...
I used to hear calls for help. But when i closed my eyes and thought about it. It was me who was screaming away.
I've realised...how people would actually be able to love me for who I am instead of my looks.
To become stronger, i threw myself away. You won't know the pain i've been through.
I've lost myself. I can't find myself anymore...
Just when i finally thought i did, fate crushes it like it meant nothing.
I can't go back to who i am.
I'm not being fake. This IS me. I have always been this way...
That's not true. That's a lie.
Just because i look mature...doesn't mean that i can't be cute. It doesn't mean I can't have fun.
I wanna go back to being who i was...but that would mean that i would throw away all my courage. I would throw away all i've learnt.
I can't move forward...and I can't go back.
I'm tired. It's like...when you're Yuna...and yet you're trying to be Lenne.
I'm sick...of being someone i am not.
I look at myself in the mirror and feel frustrated.
side parting....long hair....
I could imagine myself taking out a kunai and cutting off the lower half of my hair.
If only....I could....
Be a better person.
I'm so totally in love with Sasuke.
It's times like this that you ask yourself..."WHY?! WHY ISN'T HE REAL?!"
But there's nothing you can do about it.
Anyways...was trying to put music up for about a thousand years already.
Ever since my guardian told me that we shouldn't hotlink, I've decided to turn over a new leaf. (well...not IMMEDIATELY...it's a comes-slowly kind of thing.)
So...I searched for a file host so that I can direct link the stupid music.
And i couldn't find a suitable one. ARGH!
*smashes the file hosting service that i'm using*
Crappy service.
Too bad...you guys don't get to hear the music. ;_; thanks to some crappy hosting thing.
BUT. If you would like to hear it, here's the name: Reason - Gundam Seed Destiny mp3
So go knock yourself out searching. (i'm serious...)
Or then again...just go to youtube and watch a clip that has it.
Okay...back to moaning for Sasuke.
WHY?! WHY DID HE HAVE TO GO TO THE EVIL SIDE?!?!?! WHY?!?!?!?
Apparently...I'm not exactly sane these few days. (I wonder what's wrong with me...)
But yea...I got so weirdly emotional about Sasuke last night.
I was totally spinning around about how he had gone to the bad side....and how the author might make naruto KILL him in the end.
I think i'll die (literally) if i ever saw Sasuke die on tv or in the comic, right before my eyes.
I'll be like..."OH MY FREAKIN GOD! SASUKE DIED!" and then i'll proceed to faint.
Well...yea. You can never imagine how SERIOUS i am this time with an anime character.
I think it's some kind of psycological illness.
*holds up a sign that says: Stay away from me, ppl! You don't wanna get hurt!*
Yea I know...guys who are reading this post might be choking and dying from laughter or filled with absolute disgust. As for girls...I think that they would be very kind as to send me to a mental asylum.
Haha. Hehe. Hoho.
I can still remember my conversation with frank that day lol.
He was being all formal and stuff, so i screamed over msn that it wasn't him who was talking to me. Then it went something like this:
Me: WHO ARE YOU?!
Him: I'm your guardian angel. (something liddat..cannot remember what he typed lol.)
Me: *Dies of a heart attack* (apparently too agitated)
Him: Oh ho. Welcome to the 9th heaven.
Me: OH MY GOD! *points to somewhere nearby* IT'S SASUKE!!!!!!!!!
Me: I AM in PARADISE!
Him: *gets all frowny* I'm sorry. I don't think he belongs here. *picks up sasuke and throws him down*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Me: *Jumps down after Sasuke*
Him:....O.O"
Him: LOL. I didn't think you would go to hell with him.
Yea....the conversation was sumthing like that. Not exactly accurate lol. But quite similar.
And after that, he resumed to hating Sasuke. I would never understand why he always hated Sasuke.
Scary thing is, he HATED him enough to shave all his hair off.
And then show me the picture which he edited to make sasuke look like he's bald or sumthing.
When I told him that he's getting jealous over a two dimensional guy...he totally said that it was not the case.
AHAHAHA. Why would he hate Sasuke then....if that's not the case?
Then he said that Sasuke was 'flat'. (two dimensional ppl are all DRAWN on paper.)
I said...at least he's flat and good looking.
Then somehow we proceeded to saying something about Chouji being 'flat AND fat'.
O.O
Dude. We're seriously insane.
But yea...we get lots of fun laughing our heads off.
Oh yea! The funniest was about the Chouji's family making slim 10 pills. (LOL)
It went like this:
Him: His family makes slim 10 pills.
Me: *omg emotioncon* But isn't that thing dangerous?!
Him: Yea. Didn't you hear how he said, "I'll probably die." when he was going to take the pill?
Me: LOL xD
Him:Then he took it and OMG WTF!!!! He slimmed DOWN instantly!!!!!!!
Me: *insane laughter*
Him: LOL
At that point of time, I was choking to death by laughing lol.
That was such a stupid topic. BUT HE MADE IT SOUND SO TRUE LOL.
God. Can't stop laughing. Hahahahaha.
Oh yea...and if you don't know who Sasuke and Chouji are, they are from the comic: Naruto
Sasuke is always cool-looking, dangerous and....
hot. (I mean....good looking.)
Chouji is some guy who is *cough*...fat...*cough* and hates ppl calling him fat. His family invented some weird pill thing to boast their strength or something. So that's where the joke came about lol.
Anyways...I think that's all for today. I must have freaked everybody out.
Please remember to tag!
And this time...I won't ask any of you to love Sasuke!
Because he's MINEEEEEE.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Sadness and sorrow.
I had a weird dream.
I was walking along the street one day. It was raining and I was holding an umbrella. I didn't know why...I was feeling kind of down.
Suddenly, in the distance...I saw *Yuki.
I didn't know how I recognized him...but I knew it was him.
He was staring at something.
What was it?I went forward to see. He was all soaked in the rain, but he didn't look like he cared. His face was covered with a shocked (and a little lonely) expression.
What was it?I wanted to know. Why he looked so...sad.
I managed to see what he was looking at. It was *Shiori and *Ryuki. They were sitting in a bench...chatting happily.
So that's what hurting him.
I looked down sadly.
Yuki...Without thinking, I dropped the umbrella and ran over. The rain made my clothes all wet but I didn't care. I knew he was hurting and I hated that feeling that he is having.
I didn't want to wait till I see him cry.
He was my important friend.I cover his eyes with both of my hands and spoke from behind him.
"Don't look...If it hurts you."
Then I woke up.
P.s: A star sign before the names meant that they have been changed to protect someone's privacy. (LOL. Like all those magazine thingy.)
Weird dream huh?
But it was really painful. I know.
That expression on *Yuki's face said it all.
Nobody...would know how we suffered unless they experienced it themselves.
Yet I hope that nobody would experience the same agony that we had.
It almost killed him...I know that.
It almost drowned me...but I survived.
But the most important thing is...
We were there to lend each other our shoulders. (and support)
Remember to stay happy. Don't cry.Yup. Best friends should stick together. We laugh together...and we share pain together.
It's okay if things seem a little down. We'll be up and moving in no time.
For girls: Remember, it's not worth for you to cry over any guy who hurt you.
For guys: If that girl doesn't appreciate you (or treat you well), who needs her? But do take note that you weren't the one who hurt her in the first place.
Anyways. I'll keep my post short.
Please please please...
DO VISIT my fanfiction and review on it!
Here's the webby:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3236603/1/Oh. And no flames please!
Monday, November 06, 2006
My brother treats me like shyt.
Okay...now my eyes are like...puffy and all sad-looking.
Stupid brother.
Dunno what the hell is wrong with him...he totally throws insane tantrums and expects us to eat it.
He'll SCREAM and SCREAM and SCREAM and CRY CRY CRY. Before slamming and whacking our sofa cushions violently.
Yup. That's how terrible he is.
I suspect...that when he grows up, I'll see him on the newspaper.
"Man abuses wife and kids for no known reason except that he was angry"
Then when interviewed, he'll say, "I don't know! If I knew then would I be doing that?!" Then he'll go into a string of vulgarities.
Hell. I better warn the poor girl who would be throwing away her future next time when someone likes him.
Anyways...we were practically screaming at each other for a full 10 to 15 mins...before I realised that I can't take his attitude anymore and went to call my mum.
Hurrah. Like she even did anything to stop him.
She simply talked to him to cool him down or wadever. Then when I asked to talk to her, he gave me the phone and then screamed. "F*** off lar, you idiot!"
Like how some ppl would say..."What the hell?"
So much for her talk.
He should be put into some kind of boy's home or something. That blasted idiot has had it too well in his life so far.
I'm controlling myself against scolding vulgarities while writing my entry.
It's not nice. I think i might send the readers into a state of shocked coma or sumthing.
I feel so abused. (as in emotionally.)
He IS the younger brother...you know.
He calls me by my name. Like we're EQUAL. (in status)
Fine..I can tolerate that. (in fact, I don't really care.)
He scolds a string of vulgarities at me...
Fine. I'm still tolerating...
Then he acts all violent and stuff. Plus treating us like...dirt maybe?
I almost walked forward and slapped him. (don't get me wrong. I'm not violent as well. It's just that never in my life have I ever seen such imprudent and nonsensical behaviour that ought to be PUNISHED.)
My head hurts.
Anyways...putting the angry topic aside.
I've recently developed an interest in cosplay...I think it's rather interesting.
Some people really look stupid...I know. But some others are waaaay cool.
They look exactly like the character.
I think most people think that people who go to cosplay are freaks or that people who like cosplay are freaks as well. It's so disturbing to hear that.
So i rather detested the reaction my class gave when they saw a cosplay photo in class one day.
They went, "Ewwww. Look at those ppl...freaks leh."
Like...wad the hell?
So rude. Hmph.
I think cosplay is rather cool. Even if you don't like it...you shouldn't make something sound so bad. Everything is about opinion, but if you choose to act like jerks...nobody should even give a damn about you.
Yup. yup.
I don't feel like talking much. But here's all there is today.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Hinata...Neji...Gaara?
Haha. It's been long since i've posted.
Well. Watching anime nowadays actually got me thinking:
"How does love feel like?"
I mean...ppl are always talking about it. The songs ALWAYS sing about it.
The movies are always about love.
The world is made of love.
But.
I don't know what love really is.
Sure...My friends have like...guy suitors and stuff...so I can probably watch on and try to understand. Still, I suddenly get this feeling that i'm still a little girl.
That I don't understand what in the name of heaven, is love.
So...when i write a story about love between two people, I realise i dunno what the heck I'm talking about.
What IS true love...?
My head hurts...thinking about it.
I can actually easily name a few people who have like...so many girlfriends or boyfriends that they think they know love well. Still, I look at them...and find that they're so pitiful.
It wasn't THAT obvious. But I could see that they were chasing after the wrong kind of love.
Man. I crapped so much that i didn't see the time. I better be going.
___________________________________________________________________
Here's a short part of something i wrote that day:
A girl sat by the pond in her house. Her reflection was shimmering in the dim moonlight. Awkwardly, she tried to stand up but fell back onto the floor.
“Oh my…I must have sat in the same position for too long.” She grimaced. The feeling of numbness from her legs started to reside as she rubbed it softly with her soft pale fingers. Yet, something seems numb as well and it was definitely not the rest of her body. Holding one of her hand to her heart, she felt like she needed an answer.
In the shadows of the moonlight nearby, her cousin stood. He was quite good with the skill of blending in with the surroundings. This was the reason why his cousin did not spot him yet. He wanted to run over and help her up, as he would as always. Yet this time…something feels different. That feeling…of some kind of barrier between them, made him very much afraid of going any closer to her. She seemed so different. It was like for the first time, there was nothing to stop him from going any closer to her. There were neither any feelings of time, nor bloodlines. However, he could not bring himself to go over.
“Why…do I feel so weak? She’s my cousin. There’s nothing to be afraid of.” He shook his head, hoping to clear that terrible feeling which he kept having.
Stepping into the yard, he spoke as calmly as he could. “Hinata-sama. It’s time to go in.”
In shock, Hinata almost jumped up as she turned around to face him. “Ne…Neji-kun. O…Okay…I’ll be going soon.” Looking down awkwardly, she tried to stand up again. “Here. Let me help you.” He reached out and offered her his hand. Hinata’s eyes widened and she backed away, as if she was afraid. “It’s…okay. I can stand up by myself.” Confused, Neji nodded and started walking back to his room.
Hinata wished that she could tell him why she was acting this way. However she could not. It was because they were related. The dreams and fragments of someone’s memories which she saw much more recently had become very disturbing to her. If Neji knew about it…what would the consequences be? She shuddered at the mere thought of the look on his face, if he should know about all these. Quietly, Hinata slipped back into her room and lay down to sleep.
That night, she dreamt of another fragment of memory.
