Today I went for band....it wasn't that bad. But I felt terrible.

I woke up and went to school...without breakfast. (as usual) When I got there, I felt so isolated from all my section members. Everyone seem to be doing their own stuff...and well...I didn't have any person to talk to or anything to do. Also, because I missed the previous few practices, I didn't have the new band T-shirt and waterbottle. I felt like an idiot who dropped into the wrong universe. That was really terrible. Then soon afterwards, we were supposed to fall in. Everything went okay until they wanted to do "formation-for-band-com". As if you have read, I MISSED the last few practices. Naturally, I didn't know how to do it...or even where I'm supposed to stand. Then I went to my SL and two other band leaders to ask what to do....one told me to ask my SL, the other told me to be a "shadow"(dunno wad it is) of my friend, while lastly, one told me to go to the 4th floor and join the AP cuz I have piano background.(you know...xylophones...marinebass...that kinda thing) So I went up. (well..it's not like I can say, "hell no." Anyways..I wanted to see how was it.) It turned out to be fun at first...and quite slack compared to the marching ppl...Until...I looked down at them. And I had this sickening feeling like I died(touch wood.*touches the table*) or sumthing..and was looking sadly at them. Then afterwards, I was reincarnated as a percussionist.(drum player) During lunch, I ate with my flute section...and it was quite nice. Then I played the flute a little while...and I liked the "crouching tiger hidden dragon" song thingy. I really loved the flute. Then........they must fall in again. So I went up.....and the senior in charge of AP told me next time after lunch straight away go up to the 4th floor and don't idle around.(she wasn't being mean. She was being a little strict. We all need discipline anyways.) I said okay. Then I returned to the room and continued practicing. Then we slack, slack, slack.....play piano...fool around...It was supposed to be fun. But I......didn't feel at home at all. Not like when I was with the flutes. *almost going to cry* Then....the most heartbreaking part was when the senior told me that I should eat with them during lunch...and not my section members. I almost felt myself die. I mean....it's bad enough that i'm seperated from them until band com is over...now I can't even eat with them?! but then she said not confirmed yet....maybe I still get the chance to sit with my section mates. I'm not blaming anybody though......It isn't anybody's fault...they were all very nice people. I'm the one who's having the problem. Then the end of the day came...and we had to fall out. I felt like I betrayed my section. I really can't tell them how much I enjoyed their company. In fact, I didn't know that until today. Then esther(primary school friend one) she smiled at me and that changed my thoughts suddenly...they don't see me as a betrayer...but I do.(even if it wasn't on purpose..)

I hate myself. I've been always so darn weak. As I stare at the com now, I realise something. It doesn't matter who I go with. The results are the only matter. If I can do well during the band com...then good for me. If not...then too bad. Still I won't cry. Nowadays i'm becoming more and more icy. All those cute stuff and happiness seem to be a thing of the past. So far in my sec school I've nvr cried before. Everything I felt hurt, I held back my tears and put on a cold icy, emotionless mask. That's why most of the boys in class think that i'm a cold, icy person.(girls think otherwise cuz I'm close with them.) I don't want to be like this. I hate this. It's not me. It was nvr me and nvr will be me. But why?? It's because I don't have anyone who can warm my heart again. There's nobody to protect me. Nobody to accompany me. Nobody beside me at all. I would like to say that my primary school friends fit the position perfectly...but they are all so far away... they call out to me and ask me to grab on to their hand. Yet I can't go. I'm being chained and it's so painful. Slowly...they move further and further away. I could see pearleen looking shocked. I could see joan crying. I could see danitza still trying the best she could. I could hear ning shouting out my name. I could see min helping danitza and telling me to run and keep up.

Maybe my soul is really gone. There's nobody called shang anymore. Just a ordinary girl...who has a dream of someone saving her.....who wishes for the impossible.....

Please hear me.
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Okay....*blows nose of tissue and takes another tissue to wipe away the tears* drama's over....just wanted to say that I am currently focusing on a ragnarok fanfic now...and one it's done..i'll post it on fanfiction.net and i'll tell u the address. Kay? See ya ppl.