Okay...didn't blog for soooo long already...well..here are the updates on my life so far:

1. I might be transferring to SCGS...I'm not sure...but I pray I can leave my school.
2. I officially detest the boys in my class who keep saying the "F" word just to be popular and cool. It's irritating.
3. My chinese teacher is baised against me. I don't like her lessons either...
4. My maths is falling into ruins and now is currently my worst subject. (yes..can u believe it?! MATHS of ALL things?! Even behind chinese?!)
5. Someone lied to me again. Dunno whether I should hate that person forever or give the person a 100th "second chance" to repeat the mistake again.
6. Esther is officially not a gd person. She blew the second chance I gave her as it turns out that my friends were right. She was just using me and my chinese-lesson-from-other-class friend because she doesn't have any more friends except one.
7. I'm going to a primary school to teach the primary school students on either maths or english. (for CIP hours...no salary..xD if that was what you were thinking.)

Basically that's all...(until I can think of more.) Oh ya...on Sunday..last week..I went to my aunt's house for steamboat. On the way there, my dad and I quarrelled. I think I must have triggered him because I insulted his secondary school. (which happenes to be my secondary school now.) He got all ragey and angry with me...then he yelled at me. Of course, being the sensitive, spineless, weakling that I am, I just let the tears flow out of my eyes. Flow Flow Flow...it couldn't stop. But no matter what, I did my best to not let my dad see. (he's those kind of ppl who hates to see ppl cry...like cannot stand it.) As we went into the lift, I finally broke down. Then my dad was wondering why. (he's too realistic. sometimes he can hurt other ppl's feelings without knowing. But he's still a great dad.) I was forced to stand outside in the corridor until i stopped crying...cuz it's new year..and my mum did not want ppl to see me crying..it destroys the mood. I felt so terrible. Many thoughts went through my mind.

Here they are:
- I am an inferior girl. I'm nasty, evil and not who I appear to be.
- My studies sucked. I could have gotten 250+ but I didn't work hard. All my friends got to better schools than me. Once again, I'm inferior.
- I can't compare to my cousin on my father's side of the family. She's in a gd school, she knows how to compose music, her piano grade lvl is damn high....etc etc. Basically, she's the pride of her father but he doesn't say it out.
- I can't compare to my cousin on my mother's side of the family as well. She is rich, pampered, pretty, her grades are damn high...etc etc. The most scary thing is....because she's the only child, so her mentality is very mature and she knows how to act on what occasion. Which is why the adults simply loved her. Just like how I was appreciated at first. (until..I became inferior.)
- I'm not pretty. Not smart either. I'm so blur...some ppl say i'm cute. But it's the definition of "cute = ugly but adorable". Should be...
- Someone once said I was desperate. When I told that person, "Liddat then called desperate arh? Then you have not seen the real desperate ppl." he totally was "shocked" and replied. "I couldn't believe it at first. But bukit panjang gov has realli changed you." That sentence struck into my heart like a knife. Worst of all...I couldn't pull it out.

Is it true? Am I a failure? Am I inferior?

People always tell us...."It's okay. Just be yourself. It's enough." Then they'll flash that reassuring smile that tells us that everything is going to be okay. But it's not. Only for them is it okay. Some ppl are just hypocrites. They don't understand the pain some of us are going through. I cried...and I knew. By being myself...by letting my emotions run wild and crazy...It's a road to self destruction.

Who is my true self?

Recently I had weird dreams again. I dreamt that I was Sakura. I saw the world through her eyes. It was amazing. Although she leads a happy life at first...but then later problems started to pop up. Sakura was calm all the way. (except when her friends and loved ones were in harm's way.) She knew what to do and how to succeed in doing so. I couldn't believe it. Me..? Sakura...? Is she me after all? or was it just my fantasizing that did the work again?

I don't know.

Oh ya...plus I realised that the person who would love me in future...well..if he's the one for me...I hope that he can save me from my own prison. I hope that he would give me a safe and secure feeling...that I wouldn't be left by myself in pain ever again. It's a lot to ask..I know..xD but it's mainly what I want. Oh ya...he cannot lie to me also. Once he keep something from me or lie to me...then it's over. Kekekeke...

I came across a picture of a girl being hugged by sumone from behind one day. I almost fell off my chair. She looked really like sakura! but more in a high school form...(for your information...Sakura and Kail are both 19.) kekeke...I wanted to show it to u guys...but the uploading thingy was slow...and I have to go to bed soon...so I guess i'll show over the msn. Just tell me when u wan see...then I change to that picture...

Okay...that's all for today...I nid go sleep! See ya ppl!